Grow, baby, grow! (but not too much)

When your baby is born prematurely, much of your thoughts revolve around his weight. When his newborn clothes start to fit, there is much excitement. When the first sleepers have to be retired because they have become too small, you feel proud of your little grower. When you stop rolling down the front of his newborn diapers, you can't help but tell your family. And when your baby starts wearing size 2 diapers, your heart does a little dance. But as the trend continues, you start to wish, like every other parent has, that he will slow down!

1 week

13 weeks

On becoming a mother

Becoming a parent profoundly changes your life. Everyone says it, but you have to experience it for yourself to understand.

Just over 3 months ago, our lives changed profoundly. The fact that our baby was born almost 6 weeks early had nothing to do with it. Even if we had felt ready for our baby's arrival, we still would have had no idea what was in store for us.

The first few days after Caleb's birth are a blur, but I do remember they were the hardest days of my life. All of a sudden we were responsible for the tiniest, most helpless thing we'd ever encountered. We worried that he wasn't eating enough, we worried that he was too hot or cold, we worried that we were weren't worrying about the right things.

The panic we felt the first night gradually disappeared as we gained confidence and familiarity with our son. Soon we were able to look at our sleeping baby and feel a peaceful sense of joy, although the anxiety still rears its ugly head often enough!

As I think back on my initiation into motherhood, I realize I have learned much. First, I have learned about love. I thought I would naturally experience a love for my child that superseded all my desires. I thought I would gladly set aside my selfish thoughts when I met Caleb. I also thought that the moment I became a mother I would automatically desire his well being over my own. While I did love him from before he was even born, the sacrificial part was not easy for me. I had to choose to give up hours of beloved sleep so my baby would be well nourished and I had to choose to endure overwhelming pain in the initial stages of breastfeeding so my baby would get the benefits of his mother's milk. It wasn't easy for me to make these decisions - I had to remind myself of the reason: this child whom I love.

I have also learned about community. In the beginning I lamented that "my community" wasn't here. We spoke on the phone with family and good friends in Canada but I longed to really share this experience with them, and lean on them for support. I have since realized that in longing for my far off support, I failed to appreciate the support I have in Doha, and I missed opportunities to create a deeper community here. When I think of the people who stopped by in the first few weeks, the colleagues who sent gifts for Caleb home with Darren, the ladies who attended my surprise shower, the new moms who share their experiences in response to my questions, and mostly the individuals who went out of their way to help us, I feel blessed. I still miss my people back home, and I will continue to maintain those relationships, but I've gained a new appreciation for what I have and can develop here.

Finally, I've learned about partnership. I have a new-found deep respect for single parents. I don't know how I would have coped with everything if it weren't for Darren. I feed the baby, he burps him. I wash the laundry, he hangs it to dry. I load the dishwasher, he unloads it. But partnership is more than sharing the workload. Darren and I are Caleb's parents, and the job of raising him is ours. When we're tired and frustrated, we can encourage each other. When something goes wrong, we can find a solution together. When there's a hard parenting decision to be made, we can make it together. When I consider the road ahead, with all its inevitable ups and downs, I'm extremely grateful to know we will travel it together.

Darren and I love our son so much. We spend hours each week just watching him. We feel so glad that he is ours and we don't ever have to give him back. We're not naive; we understand the weight of the responsibility of raising him. But we are honoured to have been given this responsibility, and pray we won't screw it up too badly. :)