The return to work

Today was a significant day in my life. After 7 1/2 months of full-time mothering, I went back to work.

I wasn't really worried about Caleb - I knew he was in good hands with my sister. I was worried about me. I have found myself missing Caleb while he napped. For an hour. In the same room as me! And now I'm going to leave him for 6 hours a day. Five days a week.

Here's the problem:

I don't want to miss anything. I want to experience all of Caleb's firsts, along with his seconds and thirds. I want to be acutely aware of how many vegetable and fruit cubes he eats in a day. I want to track the frequency of his poopy diapers and rejoice with each one. (Yes, we really do get excited when our son poos.) I want to help him get out the gas that causes his little tummy pain. I want to discover the new things that make him laugh this week. I want to choose which little outfit to dress him in today. I want to be the first one he sees when he awakes from his nap. I want to rock him when he needs a little extra love. In essence, I want to be there.

But I also want to work. I want to see my colleagues on a daily basis. I want to have conversations that don't revolve around teething and developmental markers. I want to have a schedule that forces me to leave the house each day. I want to make a contribution to an institution involved in educating the Qatari workforce. I want to participate in the events Darren has been recounting to me when he comes home from work. I want to be intellectually stimulated and professionally challenged.

I want it all.

I can't have it all.

So I settle for having most of it.

I realize that each decision comes with sacrifices. I have chosen to go back to work. While I don't yet regret this decision, I also don't yet realize the extent of the sacrifice that accompanies it.

Today was ok. I savoured Caleb's morning cute time before leaving, and gave him my rapt attention when I got home. I am sure the next few weeks will be spent putting systems into place to streamline necessary tasks in order to squeeze every last drop of family time out of the day. But tonight I can go to bed knowing that I survived this significant day, with only a few tears in the car, and hope that the sacrifice is worth it.